Disclaimer: I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. But I also don’t care much about your frown face.
It is obvious that without sports fans there would be no sports. However, like our newly elected United States President Donald Trump would say, sports fans could use “extreme vetting”. We’ve all been at the bar before and have surveyed the crowd and seen people that make your eye twitch. It’s time to spread awareness so we can all acknowledge that if you are any of these people, please be advised, no one likes you.
The Angry Hulk Guy
Oh. Ya know, the easily rattled roided out Brotato Chip that is fresh off of a gym selfie and a Facebook check in just for good measure. This guy is likely to bump into you at the bar rail and then look at you like it was your fault. This human also is very likely to scream at the television while banging on the bartop as if anyone on tv can actually hear them. Also. Never be around these types if your favorite team loses on a last second shot or field goal. They will likely be holding a beer mug or a rocks glass full of vodka Red Bull and could send said glass flying towards the ground in anger. Glass shards don’t feel very good being pulled out of your shins.
The Leads Chants and Whistles Guy
Though this one is listed second, might be my least favorite. Your team is currently down in the 4th quarter and things are looking desperate and morale is low. Then to make things even worse, the sports gods continue to shit on you by inserting this guy. This human has an unlimited supply of school/team pride and will do anything to help his team win. This guy will whistle after every good play and point at the TV like he will receive a point back from their favorite player. After finishing his 5th Mountain Dew of the second half he leads a chant that gives me the same feeling of when I first heard Rebecca Black sing “FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY!” A song that still haunts me to this day. I get it. You want your team to win. But my friend, I’ll rebuttal with an old high school chant of my own, “THEY. CANT. HEAR. YOU. 👏🏾👏🏾,👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾”. Go back to your mothers basement.
The girl who just points out the obvious
Look, I appreciate girls who take an interest in sports. And I understand completely that you wanna be, “one of the guys”. I’ve never understood this desire from the much prettier sex due to the fact that us guys aren’t very interesting and outside of sports and the occasional laugh, we don’t really offer you much. However, we all know this type. The one who will see Jay Cutler throw his third interception of the day into triple coverage and let the bar rail know that wasn’t a good play or when Kris Bryant hits a grand slam looks me dead in the eyes and says “he hit the ball good there”. Now this kind of commentary would be perfectly fine if I didn’t have eyes. But fortunately, I do. But again. I appreciate a girl who will at least take an interest in sports.
The “I have always loved this team” hipster/bandwagon fan guy
And yes I’m looking at you Chicago Blackhawks and Golden State Warriors fans. These fans likely have amazon prime accounts with the “buy with 1 click” feature programmed and ready to buy whatever apparel comes out for the hot and trendy team. This fan has been a “Blackhawks fan” their whole lives yet thinks the name “Chelios” is a type of Hot Sauce. This fan will also show up to the bar with a brand new Steph Curry jersey proclaiming their long time love for the warriors and hate for Lebron James but upon further Facebook investigation, discover a picture of them in a Lebron James Miami Heat jersey. You’re not slick friend. Lebron knows you love him.
The “I Could Be a Coach” Guy
This guy is up there with chant guy as the worst type of sports fan. This guy is a pro Madden and 2K player and figures his video game sports knowledge translates into the real world. Well. It doesn’t. This guy will wonder why they don’t throw a streak route on 3rd and inches and doesn’t understand why shooting the 3 is never not an option. This guy also is in your ear guessing pitches during a baseball game and thinks that a 3-0 curveball in the dirt is always coming. Trust me, if you were supposed to be hired as a head coach, you wouldn’t be reading this.
Again, I love sports fans as a whole. The before mentioned people are a necessary evil in making sports great. But, if you do see these creatures out and about, do the world a favor, and let them know they need to chiiiiiiiillllll. And then Donald Trump might not temporarily ban you.
– Bo
Twitter: @botilly
Bo knows... 